Simba's Parody
by Maran Zelde
Summary: To celebrate the 10th anniversary of Simba's Pride, I wrote a spoof. Act IV: Simba apologizes to Kovu for the whole banishment thing, and Vitani promises never to commit arson again. Disney loves sappy endings!
1. Act I

Early one morning, a cute lion cub was baptized with juice and christened Kiara. And a certain meerkat and warthog were extremely confused.

"**Girl?**" asked Timon, his eyes huge with shock. "It can't be a girl!"

"What do you mean, Timon?" Simba raised an eyebrow. "What's the problem?"

"That kid had whiskers before the ceremony." Timon pointed emphatically at the cub. "And you know as well as I do that whiskers are code for, well…" He let the sentence dangle awkwardly.

"Mustaches?" suggested Pumbaa.

"Mustaches, yes! So tell me what happened! What did you do to the cub, monkey?"

Rafiki looked at the cub cradled in his arms. "I did nothing. She did not have whiskers when I first saw her."

"I don't believe it." Timon turned to Pumbaa. "You saw them, didn't you?"

"Plain as the nose on your face," Pumbaa said loyally.

"How about you, Zazu?"

Zazu shrugged.

"You guys have been up all night," Simba said with a crinkled brow. "I think you should get some rest."

"Get some rest," Timon scoffed. "I know what I saw."

Pumbaa peered over the crowd as he heard a familiar voice shouting. "Hey, Timon, I think I hear your ma calling. I bet _she'll_ back us up."

Timon's mother did back them up, in a way. Her exact words were "I was too busy staring at the big lion in the clouds to notice, but I believe you, Timmy."

Despite the initial gender confusion, Kiara grew to be a normal she-cub - at least as normal as one can be with an outrageously overprotective father and a mild, dutiful mother. If Simba had shut Kiara in a ribcage, Nala would have smiled and said, "Mind your father, Kiara."

There was never a sliver of doubt that the king's word was law. Even Zazu, who had bossed Simba as a cub, now treated him with deference.

Zazu was an odd case. He had contracted a severe strain of avian laryngitis soon after Simba's return to Pride Rock. The majordomo completely lost his voice for three weeks straight.

Timon and Pumbaa filled in during his sick leave. They were simply terrible, taking little notice of the big herbivores and going on about the best places to find each kind of grub.

When Zazu regained his ability to speak, his voice was astonishingly different. It was smoother, more posh, and devoid of humor. Because Zazu hated his new voice, he spoke only when he felt it was necessary. Never again would he sing ditties about coconuts.

Suddenly "Mr. Bluebird on my shoulder" didn't have such a cheery ring. Simba didn't want his daughter to spend all her waking hours with such a downbeat fellow, so he sent Timon and Pumbaa to take over the all-important babysitting duties.

"Keep a sharp eye on Kiara," Simba told them. "Don't let her wander off."

"Yee-haw!" Timon hollered uncharacteristically. "We're on 'er like stank on a warthog!"

"Hey!" Pumbaa glared up at Timon, who was sitting on his head.

"Sorry, Pumbaa, but the Powers-that-be decided that 'yee-haw' is my new catchphrase, so I just ran with it."

"Guys, listen to me. Danger could be lurking behind every tree."

"What, poison ivy?"

"No, Timon." Simba groaned and lowered his head to their level. "I mean the Outlanders."

"Then say what you mean and stop being so vague."

"That reminds me," said Pumbaa, "when are you gonna tell Kiara what the Outlanders did to get kicked out?"

"I…don't know." Simba looked away. "I don't like talking about it. And she doesn't need to know yet. I just want her to enjoy being a kid."

"And that's why you're controlling everything she does?" asked Pumbaa.

"Exactly. If I can just keep her from getting hurt, she'll have a happy childhood. Now are you gonna watch her or not?"

Timon and Pumbaa shared a significant look. "Sure we will," said Timon. "You da boss. But remember, you can't always run from the past."

Although the king's best friends were lockstep on most important issues, they fought like lions and hyenas over trivial matters like which bug had the best taste or which song was the most annoying. Even Kiara, with her Vader-like breathing and plodding footsteps, could slip away unnoticed during these rowdy debates.

When the royal babysitters came to their senses and saw that Kiara had left, they panicked and sounded the alarm. It didn't take long for Simba, Nala and two rank-and-file lionesses to track Kiara to the river bank that formed the border between the Pridelands and Outlands. There they found her and a male cub playfully growling back and forth.

Simba burst out of the grass and thumped in front of the tiny outsider.

"How **dare** you growl at my daughter, snotnose!"

A beefy, angular lioness sprang out of the grass in front of Simba. "Touch him and I'll rip your lungs out through your throat!"

"Uh, I'm not sure that's possible," commented Pumbaa.

A sinister grin spread across Zira's face, but her eyes stayed on Simba. "I assure you, I've done it."

"Git the heck outa Dodge, varmint." Timon jerked his thumb. "Yew ain't welcome round these parts."

Zira whipped her head toward the meerkat. "Are **you** calling **me** a varmint?"

Timon wanted to explain about the Powers-that-be, but his answer was inadequate with the monstrous maw growling in his face, so he merely whimpered.

"Usurpers," hissed Zira. "These lands belong to Scar."

"Noooo," said Simba, as if he were speaking to a stubborn three month-old cub. "Scar is dead. Now take the snotnose and **get out!**"

Then Zira uttered one of the most illogical expository lines in history, a statement that has puzzled outside observers for a full decade.

"Oh, haven't you met my son Kovu? He was hand-chosen by Scar to walk in his paw prints and become _king._ Kovu was the last born before you exiled us to the Outlands, where we have little food-"

"Whoa, back up for a second. I've never seen this cub before in my life, and you're telling me he was born in the Pridelands?"

"Yes, well. My memory has become fuzzy on the sequence of events. But I have not forgotten the misery and disgrace of my banishment."

"Cry me a river. You know the penalty for returning to the Pridelands."

"This is true." She glanced down at her son. "Goodbye, Kovu. I hoped you would grow big and strong, but it can't be helped." Her shoulders rippled.

"What happened to touch him and I'll rip your lungs out?"

"I'm fickle that way."

Simba stared at Scar's wide-eyed, trembling successor. "All right, I get it. You knew I wouldn't harm a cub and you think I'm weak for not enforcing my own law. Whatever. Just take him and get lost. We're finished here." He bent to grab Kiara by her neck scruff.

"That's what you think." Zira picked up Kovu and slunk back over the log bridge.

Simba carried Kiara well into the Pridelands, plunked her onto a hunk of granite, and launched into a lecture. "Now do you see why I told you to stay within sight of Pride Rock? You could have been killed!"

"But Daddy, I-"

"You are grounded for a week, young lady."

"But Daddy!"

"No chasing butterflies, no trips to the waterhole, no loitering at the mall…"

"Huh?"

"It's for your own safety, Kiara. I don't want to lose you."

"But a whole week? That's not fair."

"Hey, I'm the king. I get to decide what's fair."

Kiara scowled and turned away. She was glad her father didn't know about the crocodiles. If he knew about that incident he would freak out and tell Pumbaa to literally sit on her so that she couldn't move a muscle for the rest of her life.

Then, to Kiara's surprise, Simba head butted her, causing her to slip off the rock.

"You know I love you, right?"

"Yeah," Kiara said begrudgingly.

"I know what will cheer you up. How about a song?"

"If you sing Hakuna Matata again, I'll go crazy."

"That is so last movie. Timon and Pumbaa were wrong: there are **plenty** of things to worry about. No, I'm going to teach you a new song."

Bobbing his head to a disco beat, he sang:

"_We are family! I got all my sisters with me._

_We are family! Get up everybody and sing…"_

Meanwhile, in the Outlands, Zira had a talk with her own cub.

"Kovu, you're given me a wonderfully horrid idea. If I were capable of love, I would love you."

"Um…Okay," squeaked Kovu. This was always a safe answer.

"Heyyy, how come you never like my ideas?" whined Nuka, a neurotic alley cat blown up to lion size. It wasn't his fault.

"Your last idea was using a porcupine as a hairbrush. You tell me."

Then Zira took Kovu into the termite mound cave and tucked him into his tree stump. Kovu proved to be the soundest-sleeping cat of all time, for he snoozed through his mother singing, nuzzling and licking him; Nuka screaming; Vitani shouting; and the other lionesses growling. Most felines would have been not just wide awake, but wild and wound up. But Kovu was dead to the world.

* * *

_A/N: Happy New Year! If you're wondering why I brushed over the thrilling crocodile scene, it's because I couldn't come up with any witty comments for it. I'll do that with a few other scenes too._


	2. Act II

Fast forward about eighteen months. Kiara padded between two rows of lionesses, who murmured corny words of encouragement.

Queen Mother Sarabi and Nala's mother Serafina hung back, virtually invisible. They kept to themselves most of the time, reminiscing about old days good and bad. Often they tried to coax Zazu out of his depression, and today the majordomo smiled and puffed out his chest, but he stayed silent.

"My, how you've grown!" one of the lionesses commented to Kiara.

The princess arched her eyebrow. "We just saw each other, like, a few minutes ago."

From the other side of the aisle, Pumbaa said, "Knock 'em dead, Kiara."

"Yeah, kill somethin' and drag it back to the cave." Timon swung his fist in the air.

Kiara shook her head reproachfully. "You really shouldn't say that. It's disturbing."

She continued her stroll to the end of the line, where her parents waited. "Dad," she said in a low voice, "Please don't embarrass me today. You have to promise let me hunt on my own."

"No problem," Simba said with a teensy smile.

"Um, Daddy, 'no problem' isn't the same as 'I promise.' C'mon, say it."

"Oh, all right. I promise."

Kiara cracked a grin and head butted his chest. "Thanks, Daddy, you're the best. Well, not _the_ best, but, y'know. You are what you are. Later!" The lion princess loped away to harass a herd of gazelle.

Simba walked to the smaller ledge of Pride Rock and stared after his daughter. "Hmph. I was never like that when I was her age."

"Are you kiddin'? You used to be da king of playful banter," said Timon as he and Pumbaa sidled up to Simba. "Remember those gloatfests after the eating contests? Oy!"

Simba turned to his friend. "So you've given up the cowboy twang?"

"It comes and goes."

After glancing over his shoulder to check that no one was watching, Simba lowered his head and whispered, "Go keep an eye on her for me."

"No problemo, pardner. We'll stick to 'er tighter than bark on a tree."

Simba rolled his eyes. "Get outta here."

As Timon and Pumbaa slipped out of sight, Rafiki crept alongside the lion king. "As Lioness Number Seven keenly observed, Kiara has grown. Yet you do not seem to notice dat she is bigger dan your warthog friend."

"What do you mean?" asked Simba, with a cat's perfect imitation of innocence.

"Rafiki is old, but he is not senile. Tell me, Simba, if your daughter is attacked by an Outlander, what can Pumbaa and Timon do about it?"

"Well…" Simba bit his lip. "Jeez, you're right." His eyes widened. "You'll go help watch her, won't you?"

Rafiki tightened his grip on his staff. "Dat is not where I was going."

"I know you can handle yourself," Simba continued as if Rafiki hadn't spoken. "I've seen you use that stick. I've _felt_ you use it."

"I only meant she can take care of herself!"

"Shhh!" Simba glanced at the turned heads. "Please, I couldn't stand to lose another family member."

The mandrill sighed through his nose and dropped his voice to a whisper. "I will watch her, but I will not interfere. De Circle of Life must run its course."

Despite his clattering prop, Rafiki was the master of stealth, tailing Kiara with much less effort than Timon and Pumbaa. In a way, he was more catlike than Kiara, who snapped a twig as she stalked the herd of gazelle.

"It's the IRS! Hoof it!" yelled a terrified buck. They ran a fair distance before Kiara even leapt from her crouch. She gave chase, trying to make up for their considerable head start, but stopped dead when she saw Timon and Pumbaa cringing between her and her prey. They laughed sheepishly under her glower.

"My father sent you, didn't he? That's it – I've had it! Father has lied to me for the last time. I'll never show my face in the Pridelands again!" She darted into the tall grass.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Simba fretted so much that Zazu offered words of comfort, resisting the urge to wince at the sound of his own voice.

"Don't worry, Simba. She'll be fine. What could happen?"

Later, after some reflection, Zazu was secretly pleased with his ironic question, unintentional though it was. He had thought he was no longer capable of irony. But now, who knew? Perhaps it was a sign that his sense of humor would eventually recover.

When he flew toward the raging fire, however, he thought only of finding Kiara and of how long his little avian lungs could withstand the smoke. He soared over the burning grass for a few moments before checking the river. Zazu gasped when he saw a strange lion swimming with Kiara's limp form in tow.

"I must tell Simba! Why am I talking out loud to myself? I'm losing my head!" Clapping his bill shut, he flew back and led Simba to the part of the bank where the fire had not reached. A now-conscious Kiara was kibitzing with the stranger when Simba charged toward them, roaring his disapproval.

"That tears it, young lady! No more hunts for you – not ever! I mean it – I'll get Pumbaa to sit on your legs if I catch you hunting again!"

Kiara let out a frustrated roar of her own. "Father, you are like the most unfair king ever! You broke your promise, and now you want to treat me like a cub forever! This is so embarrassing. I was doing just fine, even before Kovu-"

"Kovu? The snotnose?" Simba snarled. "What the blazes are you doing in the Pridelands?"

At this point, sneaky Rafiki chose to reveal himself. "Hey, you! How dare you rescue de king's daughter?"

He had witnessed the whole thing, even the arson. But he couldn't tell Simba about that, because then the king would never let Kovu join his pride. As it happened, Simba did let Kovu in on trial basis, but he made sure everyone knew he wasn't happy about it. Zazu supported Simba, making use of his posh voice to call Kovu riff-raff.

As for Timon and Pumbaa, no one seemed especially concerned about their absence, nor did anyone ask them why they were so late returning to Pride Rock that night. They had a charming little adventure in which they rescued a baby songbird from the inferno, but the lions ceased to care about the fire and its potential victims once they found Kiara safe.

The next morning, Kiara unknowingly saved Simba's life by asking Kovu to teach her to hunt. She wasn't about to let her father's ridiculous ban stop her.

With his acute hearing, Kovu located a small mammal, but for some reason he warned his target with a roar in mid-pounce.

"_**Don't eat me!**_ I never met your tyrant!"

"Woah! Hey!" Pumbaa rushed forward, thrusting his tusks in Kovu's face. "You mess with Timon, you mess with me!"

Kiara, however, was less than sympathetic. "Timon, are you following me again?"

"Kiara! Ain't this a fine howdy do. Me n' Pumbaa was just mindin' our own business till this dagblame varmint almost gave me a heart attack."

The princess suddenly smiled, relaxing. "Oh, well, since you're not _watching_ me, I guess I'll hang out with you guys for awhile."

Kovu wore an amused smirk. "Dagblame varmint?"

"So, um, what _are_ you doing?" asked Kiara.

"Bowling for ugly hornbills."

"Ugly yourself, meerkat," squawked a female. "You look like you caught the business end of a scorpion."

"Who said that?" Timon whirled around and ran to the nearest hornbill. "Was it you?" When the bird gave no answer, Timon said, "Not so tough now, are ya – **ow!**"

As Timon held his throbbing nose, Pumbaa observed that the birds weren't afraid of them, and wondered if the big lion could get the birds going. Timon rejected this idea and stole it in the next breath. Soon Kovu found himself roaring down the hillside with Kiara, the hornbills zooming into the air in front of them.

"What's the point of this? Are we supposed to eat them? 'Cause I can-"

"No! This is just for fun."

"Fun? What's that?"

Kiara was so surprised that she almost stopped running, but she was having too much fun to do that. "Are you telling me you don't know what fun is?"

"Not exactly."

Pumbaa galloped past them and explained, "Fun is when you do stuff you enjoy for no reason at all."

"Yeah, like this." Timon grabbed a bird by the legs. "Yee-haw! Git along little birdie! Yew know yer misfortune ain't none-a my own."

"We'll see about that," said the grey hornbill under his breath. Flapping with all his strength, he lifted Timon high above the ground and shook his legs violently to make the meerkat lose his grip. Timon plummeted, but Pumbaa zipped underneath and caught him before he could smash into the ground.

"Yee-haw!" Timon thought the whole thing was a lark, and was all too happy for a reason to use his designated catchphrase.

"Yee…Haw," Kovu echoed experimentally. "Uh, git along, varmints."

The four of them ran laughing into a narrow gorge until a crash of angry rhinos blocked their path. The chasers became the chased as the rhinos stampeded through the gorge, but the fun-loving four squeezed into a niche in the wall, letting the rhinos thunder past them.

"So let's see if I've got this straight," said Kovu. "Fun is when you tease birds and almost get trampled to death by rhinos." He broke into a wide grin. "Awesome!"

Pumbaa smiled. "I guess it's never too late to teach 'em," he said to Timon.

"Yep," Timon agreed, jumping on Kovu's head to give him a noogie. "I reckon yew ain't such a blame fool varmint after all."

"Simba never does this kinda stuff with us anymore," added Pumbaa with disappointment. "Boy, Kiara, if he knew you were chased by a stampede of rhinos, he'd go balladic."

Kiara shot him a look that was half warning, half pleading.

"The word is ballistic, Pumbaa," said Timon. "And let's keep this little episode to ourselves."

"Okay. No harm, no foul."

Never one to miss a burlesque pun, Timon chimed, "We sure didn't harm no fowl!" He guffawed, but no one else found it funny.

Then they all pried themselves out of the niche, and Kiara's lips accidentally touched Kovu's.

"This is so embarrassing," murmured Kiara, "but, y'know, in a good way."

Kovu chuckled. He liked Kiara a lot. When he took over the Pridelands, he would make her his queen, and she could do whatever she liked. Then Kovu frowned. His dear adoptive mother would never let Kiara be queen. He'd be lucky if he persuaded Zira not to torture her.

The young lion spent the rest of an otherwise pleasant day troubled by these conflicts of interest. As he and Kiara stargazed that night, Kovu was so torn that he couldn't bear to talk with her anymore. He got up to be alone with his thoughts, but a baboon's arm popped out of the grass in front of him like a zombie clawing out of a grave. A voice spoke directly below the arm.

"And _where_ do you think you are going?"

The arm disappeared, and the grass rustled around Kovu. Wide-eyed, he turned to Kiara and asked, "Who was _that?_"

Kiara gave an embarrassed chuckle. "Friend of the family." Then she glanced up and grinned. "Kovu, when are you gonna get the monkey off your back?"

"What?" Kovu turned his head and saw the baboon reclining on his back, tickling himself with Kovu's tufted tail.

Rafiki cackled. "Good one, Kiara." He hopped off Kovu's back and tugged on his tail. "Come on! We haven't had a musical number in twenty minutes. Rafiki will show you how it is done."

His song was intended to be a cross between "Can't Wait To Be King" and "Hakuna Matata," but it more closely resembled "Under the Sea" from _The Little Mermaid._ The hippos swung from the jungle vines and the rhinos rumbaed in a conga line.

An ostrich found himself congaing behind a tubby little animal with grey fur, tiny ears and no tail.

"Not being rude, but what are you?"

"I'm a hyrax, birdbrain."


	3. Act III

Vitani, who was almost as stealthy as Rafiki, slunk in and out of the Pridelands without even Zazu noticing. She told Zira that she had seen her brother calmly follow Simba into his cave, instead of ripping him apart as planned.

"Ha! Bet he has Stockholm syndrome," said Nuka, who lay swatting his own tail.

Zira narrowed her eyes. "That's when a _prisoner_ is sympathetic to his captors, git."

"You mean Kovu's going native," Vitani said helpfully.

"In any case, we'll have to go with plan B."

"What's plan B, Mother?"

"We'll wait until Simba is alone and get him ourselves."

"But we can't all follow him around, and I'm not strong enough to kill him myself."

Zira grinned. "Simba has Zazu to tell him everything that goes on in the Pridelands. Now I have someone to do the same." She raised her head and roared. A moment later, a spotted hornbill landed at her feet.

"I'll teach those Pridelanders not to chase me for no reason, so help me, they'll be sorry…"

The next morning, the hornbill reported that Simba and Kovu were alone in the burned section of the Pridelands. The eager Outlanders followed him to the two unsuspecting lions and surrounded them.

"Good job, Kovu. Just like we always planned," said Zira, with only the slightest hint of irony.

Simba spun on Kovu. "How could you-"

"No! I didn't know about _this_ plan!"

"Get him, girls."

"Heyyy, what about me?"

Zira sighed. "And Nuka."

The Outlanders leapt at Simba, biting his throat, shoulder, flank and back. Blood gushed from his flesh, slicking his golden fur. Wait, no it didn't. There was no bloodshed in this sanitized, kid-friendly universe. Kovu tried to save Simba from this totally-not-deadly assault, but Vitani knocked her brother out with one kick.

"Some chosen one!" Nuka crowed.

"Shut up and keep biting," said Zira. "He must have a weak spot **somewhere.**"

Nuka pounced on Simba with so much force that he sent him tumbling into the Gorge. But Simba was okay because a rock broke his fall.

The Outlanders slid down after him and chased him to a part of the Gorge that was dammed with logs. Kovu woke, shook off his headache, and dashed to the edge of the ravine to see Simba climb the logs.

"Now is your chance to redeem yourself, Kovu," called Zira.

When Kovu ran off to find a safer route down, Nuka seized his opportunity.

"I'll finish him for you, Mother!" He bounced up the dam, but as he grabbed the king's leg, the log under his paws snapped. Nuka fell, and two logs fell on top of him, crushing his ribs and windpipe.

"Nuka! Don't go! You've proven yourself as Scar's true son. Why did I doubt you? You showed me the truest devotion, but I treated you like scum, like the dirt between my toes!"

This outburst showed that evil villains have feelings like everyone else. Really. Honest.

Then Zira whirled to scratch at Kovu's eye. Since bloodshed does not exist, her claw just made a pink line through his eyebrow and lower eyelid.

Having applied this obvious symbol, Zira yelled, "**What** have you done to your pride?"

"I didn't do anything."

"Exactly! Because you didn't do anything, Nuka is dead! You killed your own brother!"

An angsty Kovu turned tail and dashed away.

"So," said a rank-and-file lioness, "killing your brother is bad now?"

Over in the Pridelands, Kiara was oblivious to this pathos as she waited in the shade with Timon and Pumbaa. Zazu had received a tip off about the trouble they had stirred up the day before, so he decided to babysit the babysitters.

"Daddy?" Kiara stood as she saw Simba tottering in the distance.

"Heatstroke," said Timon. "I've seen it before."

As Zazu left to get help, Kiara, Timon and Pumbaa rushed to Simba.

"What happened?" asked Pumbaa. "Where's Kovu?"

"Kovu…Ambush." Simba swooned.

Pumbaa carried Simba to the waterhole as quickly as he could, which was not very. The waterhole crowd gasped when they saw him shuffle toward them, his snout poking comically out of the lion's mane.

"What's wrong?"

"Is he dead?"

"Is he hurt?"

"Is he dead?"

"You already said that, vulture."

"Back up, give him some air!" Timon pushed the zebras' and wildebeests' legs.

Kiara splashed water onto her father's face until he opened his eyes. "Daddy, did you say you were ambushed?"

"Yes," Simba groaned. "Kovu lead me right into it."

"Are – Are you sure?"

"Sure I'm sure. You think I'd make that up? I mean look at me!" He moaned and shut his eyes.

"Well, actually…" Timon tapped his fingers together. "You don't look that hurt. No cuts or bites or anything."

Simba snapped his eyes open and looked from Timon to Kiara. "Are you saying you don't believe me?"

"I believe my eyes first, and I definitely see signs of heatstroke. Fainting, exhaustion…" Timon felt Simba's nose. "Hot, dry skin…"

"Excuse me," said a sandy-coated monkey, knuckle-walking toward them, "but my troop can check you for injuries, Sire. All of us monkeys are good at this sort of thing."

Then next thing he knew, Simba had a half dozen monkeys picking through his fur. They found seven punctures and ten scratches, all clean. There was also an enormous bruise between his shoulder blades. At least he was free of fleas and ticks by the end of it.

"Sorry I doubted ya, pal," said Timon. "I swear it wasn't payback for the whiskers thing."

"What whiskers thing?" asked Kiara.

"Nothing. _Well,_ Simba, let's get you back to Pride Rock."

Simba staggered home, accompanied by a procession of giraffes, tortoises, and everything in between. Nala met him at the base of the Rock and listened to Simba pour out all his woes.

Then the crowd's volume rose a few notches, and Kiara's ears perked. "Kovu!"

Simba miraculously recovered and jumped in front of her, roaring at Kovu. "You dare show your face here?!"

"I just want to explain. I really had no idea they were going to ambush. I mean, Zira did order me to kill you, but-"

"Aha! See, Kiara? He admits it."

"No father, let him explain!"

"I concur."

"Huh?" Everyone looked around for the source of the new voice, until Kovu gasped and leapt back. There in front of him was a gleaming puff adder, his head raised a foot off the ground.

"Don't be scared," he said. "I dislike injecting venom into creatures too big to swallow. It's such a waste. Besides, I'm here to assist you. I'm a defense attorney."

Kovu stared slack jawed, ears laid flat.

Timon scuttled to Zazu and nudged his ribs. "There's an animal pun for ya."

Simba recovered his shock. "A defense attorney."

"Yes, your Honor," said the snake. "My name is Jeff, and I'm speaking on behalf of the Defendant Kovu for this trial."

Kovu looked worriedly from the adder to Simba. "Wait, um, what exactly am I being charged with?"

"Aiding and abetting the enemy, and attempted regicide." Simba looked down his nose. "And he doesn't deserve to be 'represented.'"

Zazu cleared his throat. "Actually, Sire, he does. He was made a member of this pride, so he has the right to a fair trial."

"Don't help me," said Simba with a scathing glare. "Kovu's membership was probationary."

"Yes," said Jeff, "but even so, my client technically has the rights of a Pridelander unless or until he is officially evicted, pursuant to Mohatu's Naturalization Rule."

Simba sniffed. "Fine. Let's get this formality over with. How does the Defendant plead?"

"Not guilty," said Kovu.

"Really. Do you still deny leading me into the ambush?"

"_You_ led me!"

A gasp hissed through the crowd, and Jeff said, "Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Where did his Honor lead you, Kovu?"

"To the place that was burned the other day. It was his idea to go for a walk, too."

"Your Honor, is this true?"

The king was stuck for an answer. "Well…" He paced. "Yes. But how did the Outlanders know where I would go?"

"I really don't know," said Kovu.

"No? Then why did Zira say 'Good job, Kovu, just like we always planned'? Let's see you get out of that one!"

"Objection!" Jeff puffed up angrily.

"You can't object to me! I'm the judge."

Literally deflated, Jeff said, "I know. That's what makes this trial so difficult."

"It's not difficult for me. So what if I can't prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Kovu was involved in the ambush? I know he's a threat to me and my lionesses, so I find Kovu guilty of all charges."

"But Father, you've hardly given him a chance to speak!"

"I've heard enough."

Kiara narrowed her red eyes. "You really are the most unfair king ever. Why are you so hateful?"

"Kovu's the hateful one, not me."

"No, he loves me, and - and I love him!"

Kovu's heart thundered. Everyone else was shocked into silence.

Simba clenched his jaw. "You don't know what love is. Now just do as you're told."

"But Fa-"

"This conversation is over." Drawing himself up to his regal height, Simba shouted, "The condemned is sentenced to life in exile!"

"No! Kovu!" yelled Kiara, but the other animals drowned out her protests. Pounding a beat with their hooves and fists, they sang:

"_Stuuuuupid criminal!_

_You're a loser, baby, so we'd like to kill you."_

They repeated this chorus a few times, growing more aggressive with each line, and Kovu had no choice but to run.

Jeff the attorney faired no better as he narrowly avoided the clopping hooves. "Don't tread on me!"

As Pumbaa watched Kovu shrink to a dot near the horizon, he whispered to Timon, "I know we're supposed to hate him now, but this is heartbreaking!"

"Shewt, don't waste yer tears on that no-account flea-bitten son of a gun."

Simba turned his cooling gaze to his daughter. "Kiara, you're grounded for life."

She furrowed her brow. "You mean literally?"

"Yes."

"**Are you kidding me?!**"

"Mind your father, Kiara," Nala said calmly.

"Oh, I **mind **him, all right! I sure do **mind** him treating me like an infant!"

"It's for your own good!" Simba fired back. "I want to make sure that dirtbag doesn't get near you again."

"Kovu's a great guy!"

"How the blazes do you know? You've spent less than two days with him."

"I know him a lot better than you!"

"You just don't get it. Kovu is walking in Scar's paw prints. And I'm walking in my father's."

Then Kiara spoke the truest words in this movie.

"You will never be Mufasa!"

Sobbing, she ran into the cave and snuck out the back door. She wandered for hours, searching for her love until she felt so alone and miserable that she began to sing.

"_Love is a burning thing_

_And it makes a fiery ring."_

Her ears twitched when a male's voice sang a reply.

"_Bound by wild desire_

_I fell into a ring of fire."_

Kiara turned to see Kovu serenading her in the moonlight, and she ran to rub her head against his shoulder. They continued the song in harmony.

"_I fell into a burning ring of fire_

_I went down, down, down_

_And the flames went higher."_

"Wow, Kovu, your singing voice sounds nothing like your speaking voice."

"Thanks. Neither does yours."

They leaned into each other, their love song drifting above the ashy land.

"_And it burns, burns, burns_

_The ring of fi-rrre_

_The ring of fire."_


	4. Act IV

Disclaimer: The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride is © Disney. Lyrics in this story are based on We Are Family by Sister Sledge, Loser by Beck, and Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash.

Improbably, Simba failed to notice that his daughter had run away until early the next morning. By then it was too late to organize a search party, because Zazu brought news of a full-scale Outlander invasion.

Vultures watched from the trees as the two prides stalked toward each other. "Looks like a big fight coming up. Let's circle overhead."

"In this storm? No thanks. I'd rather wait it out from this branch."

"We have to make a more dramatic appearance than this. It's our obligation as symbols of death."

"Dang, I hate it when you're right. Okay, I'll fly, but I won't like it."

The prides stopped about forty feet apart to size each other up. Then they fell to it, clawing, biting, kicking and tumbling. All hell broke loose - or it would have if anyone had drawn blood. Zira imagined she saw it once or twice, but it was really just splashes of mud. She stayed out of the fray, letting her underlings weaken her opponents until a dozen Outlanders had Simba backed against the rim of the Gorge.

"Simba's mine!" Zira stalked toward him with bared fangs, and the rank-and-files backed off to form a tidy ring around this pivotal confrontation. The beefy lioness knocked Simba to the ground and then sportingly waited for him to get up. Then they wasted a good ten seconds prowling and snarling, before they raised their paws to strike. And suddenly the gritty faces of their children appeared.

"Kovu, what are you doing? Haven't you ruined enough of my plans?"

"I have to ruin this last one," said Kovu with a thin frown.

Kiara nodded. "Father, you once told me that we are family. Families shouldn't kill each other."

"I grounded you."

"Dad, forget about that, okay? I know that deep down, you and Zira don't want to hurt each other. I saw how you both waited before attacking."

"Ha!" Zira threw her head back in a humorless, slightly mad laugh. "I have no qualms about taking Simba down and avenging Scar. I simply want him to die a slow, painful death."

"Not while I'm around," said Kovu, lowering his head. "I'll do whatever I can to protect Kiara _and_ her father."

"See, Daddy, I told you Kovu was a great guy. And I know the other Outlanders aren't so bad either. They're just victims of circumstance trying to make a better life for themselves the only way they know how. If we try to understand where they're coming from, and put our differences aside, we can become a better pride."

Simba blinked slowly. "Wow. Kiara, you're starting to make a lot of sense. It's like scales are falling from my eyes."

"Nah, that's just the sun coming out," said one of the rank-and-files.

"Put our differences aside!" Zira sneered. "Of all the bleeding-heart rubbish! Let's finish them, Vitani."

"No, mother. They're right. I've been watching them for two days, and they seem so happy, so loving! I want to be part of it, if they'll have me." Vitani padded next to her adopted brother.

Zira's red eyes glinted. "Traitor! You'll die with the rest of my enemies."

The other Outlanders grimaced in disgust.

"For shame!" said a freckle-faced lioness. "And after that Oscar Clip performance over your son's death. Unbelievable."

"What is this?" shouted Zira, as her minions sauntered over to mingle with the Pridelanders. "I didn't train you to sit around and sing Kumbaya!" In a last-ditch effort, she roared and flew at Simba, but Kiara pounced to push her out of the way. Together they somersaulted into the Gorge, and the others ran to look over the edge.

"I swear this gorge is ten times deeper than it was yesterday," said Kovu.

"Yeah, boy, that erosion is crazy," said Vitani.

Kiara grabbed a ledge and scrambled onto it, but Zira could only dig her claws into the sheer wall below the ledge. Then the log dam burst, flooding the ravine. It looked dramatic, but, if anything, it made Zira's position slightly less dangerous. Still, Kiara nobly offered her paw to Zira, but the Outlander refused, lost her grip, and fell into the rapids. As soon as Zira splashed under the surface, the water level plummeted for no apparent reason.

After Simba helped his daughter climb out of the Gorge, the conglomerate pride shared a group hug. Timon, who had kept his head down for the worst of the battle, snuck in a "Yee haw!"

"I'm sorry about the whole banishment thing, Kovu," said Simba. "Will you forgive me?"

"Sure, no biggie." Kovu smiled and nuzzled Kiara. "I'm just glad we're all friends now."

"Not friends - _family_," said Pumbaa.

Vitani slunk toward Simba, hanging her head. "I have a confession, Sire. I started the fire. I'll understand if you don't let me join your pride now."

Simba was stone-faced for a moment. Then a twinkle shone in his eyes. "Hey, it's all good. Just promise you won't do it again."

"I promise."

"Great! Wow, all my hatred is gone. I feel light as a feather!"

"Speaking of feathers," said Timon, "look who it is."

Zazu, who had gone off alone to search for Kiara, landed near Simba's feet and glanced around at the impossibly happy lions.

"Good heavens, what have I missed?"

Simba filled Zazu in while they made their way to Pride Rock. Then the majordomo flew again across the Pridelands, this time to announce the ceremony for the future king. As animals of all sizes surrounded the landmark, a flock of gray hornbills headed for the termite mounds with hopes of a hassle-free, food-rich habitat.

The lionesses sat watching Rafiki shake his staff over the two heirs' heads. Suddenly, four of the ex-Outlanders leapt to their feet and shied from the puff adder slithering in their midst.

"It's okay. He's my attorney." Kovu grinned. "Hey, Jeff, thanks for standing up for me yesterday. So to speak."

"I was just doing my job. I'm so pleased to hear about your pardon. Although," he added with a glance toward Simba, "one could argue that you never should have been convicted in the first place. The case against you was extremely weak."

The lionesses looked expectantly at Simba, but it was Rafiki who tried to smooth things over. "Kovu has forgiven Simba, and dat should be good enough for you," he said in full sage mode.

"Indeed," said Zazu. "You don't want to step on anyone's toes on this joyous occasion."

The snake's eyes were widely sincere, but it was probably his lack of eyelids that gave him this expression. "I would never step on anyone's toes, even if I had feet." He turned back to Kovu. "Anyway, if you or your relatives should ever need legal counsel, I'll be happy to assist."

"Thanks," replied Kovu, "but I hope I won't need your help again."

"Understood."

Vitani's eyes flickered between Kovu and Jeff. "Wait a second. I thought snakes were deaf."

"We are. But we're excellent lip readers." Smirking, the adder bade them farewell and wove into the grass.

Then the two lion couples walked onto the ledge of Pride Rock and belted out their mightiest roars. The crowd of animals whooped, chirped and trumpeted in response.

One of the flamingos peered up at the lions. "Hey, isn't that the guy who tried to kill the king yesterday?"

Another flamingo shrugged. "I don't know. I don't keep up with politics."

Golden light splashed the lions, and Simba heard Mufasa's voice from on high.

"Well done, my son…For surviving this mess of a script."

Timon frowned at the sky. "Hey, pal, leave the wisecracks to me."

THE END


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